Lessons in love
My husband Mark and I have just completed the 5 Love Languages Quiz and what we discovered kind of surprised us both. You would think that after 35 years of marriage (August 2020) we would know each other well enough to call out what our primary love language is. However, what we are learning more and more is the fact that as individuals we are constantly changing and that impacts on our marriage too.
Mark is not the man I married, and I'm certainly not the woman he married.
Over the last 35 years we have been on a journey both as individuals and as a couple and the seasons of our journey have taught us much and we have both changed a lot. While we have enjoyed some brilliant and memorable seasons, some of those seasons have been very challenging and even painful at times and we have both had to learn how to navigate our way not just as individuals but also how we as a couple respond to and help each other along the way.
How I respond and react to things is very different to the way Mark does and this challenges me to consider how I can best help him process the situation and find the best outcome, for him personally but ultimately for the health of our marriage. Understanding our primary love language helps us to better understand the needs of our partner but we need to realise that this will probably change as time and life goes on. What we now try to do more often is check in with each other and actually talk about our needs and more importantly our expectations.
Unspoken expectations can cause damage within our marriages.
We are not mind readers no matter how many years we may have been together. The more priority we give to spending quality time together talking and learning about each other is vital for the longevity of our marriages. Communication will always be paramount in any marriage, what we learnt about our partner last year may now be invalid information.
For Mark and I, we have discovered that if we regularly and intentionally take time out and either simply go for a walk, go to our restaurant or coffee shop, we have the best and most helpful conversations and we learn new things about each other which then helps us understand each other better. This goes a long way to maintaining a healthy marriage.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Its easy to allow the business of life and all its demands to distract us; work, family and even recreational activities, but if we want a healthy marriage that stands the test of time we need to make a commitment to constantly learn about each other and this requires time, effort and patience.
Why not take a moment to discover your love language? In his #1 New York Times bestseller, The 5 Love Languages®, Dr. Gary Chapman presents a simple truth: relationships grow better when we understand each other.
Everyone gives and receives love differently, but with a little insight into these differences, we can be confidently equipped to communicate love well.
It worth taking a look - it certainly helped Mark and I.
- Sam
Sam serves as Head of Pastoral Care at Home Church. She is married to Mark and together they have two children and two grandchildren.