When Family Falls Out
The first time we hear about the idea of family in the Bible is right at the very beginning of time when God created Eve from Adam (Genesis 2:22–24) and established the very first family. Most of us know the story of how that went! God’s plan for the happy marriage was thwarted when they were disobedient and started the blame game to cover their mistakes. What a family fall out that was!
God’s Plan For Family
Whilst the realities of family dynamics are complex, it doesn’t change God’s plan for family to be a place of unity and fruitfulness. In Matthew 19:6 Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let no man separate” confirming God’s plan for family. Sadly this is easier said that done and many of us can today testify to this.
Anger, Betrayal & Jealousy
The Bible has it all when it comes to family falling out; sibling rivalry between Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers whose jealousy drove them to selling him into slavery, to name but a few! And then there’s father-son fallout such as Saul almost killing his son Jonathan and Absalom betraying his father David in order to take over his throne I could go on….
Reading these accounts in the Bible reminds us that family fall outs are real, common and sometimes unavoidable.
God’s Wisdom & Grace
The Bible is so clear about how families are to treat each other that it’s confirmation to me that God knows what’s about to happen. God said husbands are to love their wives in the same way that Christ loves His church (Ephesians 5:25, 33). Wives are to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22–24, 33; 1 Peter 3:1). Children should obey their parents (Ephesians 6:1–4; Exodus 20:12). I wonder how many family problems would be solved if we just followed these basic principles?
Again, it’s easier read than lived. It makes me thankful for a gracious God and His Word that is constantly picking us up, cleaning us up and setting us up for another run at making family life work! If you have encountered a family fall out, be encouraged that God loves you and understands the pain you’re going through. He has given us wisdom on how to bring our families back together and how to build bridges that were broken in the past because of things that were said or done.
A great, yet challenging place to start is in Philippians 2:3–4:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
When we adopt the spirit of humility and treat others as Jesus would treat them, perhaps we will see many of our family and relationship problems resolved.
How Will We Respond?
It always amazes (and disappoints me to be honest) how the first thing God works on to bring unity is me! He knows that unless we fix ourselves we’re in no fit state to try to fix anyone else. This is where you can say “Ouch!” With this in mind, I want to share with you 5 ways we can respond when our families fall out; the hope being that we are all better equipped to make better choices for the sake of our families.
1. Blow Up
When we are faced with a challenging situation in the family the temptation is to blow up, act irrationally, angrily, or dare I say childishly! Those that are closest to us seem to know just which buttons to press and when to press it. Unkind words, spoken in anger or frustration from those closest to you often hurt the most. We can be confident that blowing up in response to a challenging situation isn’t going to strengthen your family, only weaken it. The Bible instead tells us to have self-control;
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 NIV
2. Cover Up
Another common response is to cover up your disappointment or anger on the surface, whilst still harbouring a grudge inside. This route never leads to a resolution and often ends up with unrest and discord in the long run as the offence takes root and begins to sprout into other areas of your life.
It is easier to conquer a strong city than to win back a friend whom you’ve offended.
Their walls go up, making it nearly impossible to win them back.
Proverbs 18:19 TPT
3. Back Up
There will always be the temptation to withdraw and get some distance between yourself and the situation in your family. Whilst it is always good to take a time of reflection, backing up and walking away won’t bring a family back together in the long run. If you are able and if the circumstances are safe to do so, I encourage you to resist walking away from the fall out and ask God to show you a way to resolve the conflict. Look in Psalm 51 at how David (though in difficult times) longs for God to restore his passion for life and clings to God in difficult times.
Let my passion for life be restored, tasting joy in every breakthrough you bring to me.
Hold me close to you with a willing spirit that obeys whatever you say.
Psalm 51:12 TPT
4. Give up
One step away from backing up, is giving up! It’s always sad to see friends over the years give up on family when the fall out gets too tense and painful. Of course there are complex situations that dictate giving up as the only option, but if there is even a small amount of hope of restoration, think again before giving up. No one should enjoy confrontation - if you do, you've got serious problems! Quitting or walking away is always an option, but should never be your first option.
Let this hope burst forth within you, releasing a continual joy. Don’t give up in a time of trouble, but commune with God at all times.
Romans 12:12 TPT
5. Step Up
There is a response that can sometimes seem to defy logic and reason. This is if and when you are faced with the most difficult of family fall outs; you find the courage to step up and lead your family through the process of reconciliation and unity.
But instead be kind and affectionate toward one another. Has God graciously forgiven you? Then graciously forgive one another in the depths of Christ’s love.
Ephesians 4:32 TPT
And if anyone longs to be wise, ask God for wisdom and he will give it! He won’t see your lack of wisdom as an opportunity to scold you over your failures but he will overwhelm your failures with his generous grace.
James 1:5 TPT
A Final Word Of Caution
If you find yourself in a family fall out that becomes abusive and/or dangerous, please act quickly and reach out to friends that can support you through this difficult season. Your safety and wellbeing must be your priority. There are no medals handed out for doing life alone and enduring harmful relationships. I want you to know that you don’t have to try to work out everything on your own, God and your church family are standing with you, believing that God is able to unravel even the most complex of family fall outs.
Andrew
