The Madness Of Marriage

Louise and I were married on the 21st June 1997. What a day that was! It was a day I was beginning to think would never happen as Louise made me wait 7 years from going out as boyfriend and girlfriend to her walking down the aisle and saying ‘I do’. She was 100% worth the wait and I’m thankful that this year we are celebrating 23 happy years together.

Not so happy families

Whilst I’m thanking God for my wife and the journey we’ve shared together, I’m also very aware that for many people marriage has not been a happy season of life. In the UK for instance, 42% of marriages end in divorce whilst in the US it’s closer to 50%. Research estimates that 41% of all first marriages end in divorce.

In 2018 the divorce rate dropped to 90,871 in England & Wales compared to the previous year in 2017 of 101,669 but this is likely down to an increase in cohabiting. Statistics tell us that the most common age bracket for divorce is 45-49 when the pressures have reached a level too high to handle and boredom seems to make us forget the reasons we married in the first place.

God hasn’t changed his mind on marriage

The marriage relationship was the first human union established by God.

Genesis 2:24 NIV

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Regardless of the challenges and seemingly madness of marriage, God hasn’t changed His mind on marriage. It was on His mind in the first place and it’s still on His mind today.

There is method in the madness

Have you ever heard the phrase; ‘method in the madness’. It means that there is a purpose in doing something that is seemingly crazy. For many people, marriage can seem a crazy idea that is little more than hard work with not so much fun. I want to tell you today that no matter how crazy marriage seems, God knows what He is doing. I believe that amongst other things He is trying to teach us something!

1. Marriage teaches us to serve one another

You might be disappointed in your pastor when I tell you that the last thing on my mind when I got married was serving my wife! Thinking back, I married Louise for mostly selfish reasons. She was attractive, loved Jesus, she was kind, funny and we had some common interests. Notice that these reasons were all based on what I wanted and about my happiness.

I had little understanding of what Ephesians 5 was really saying concerning serving my wife. Reading it with more mature eyes, I can now see that through marriage God is teaching me to serve others.

Ephesians 5:21-32 NIV

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Parker-Pope said

“Marriage used to be a public institution for the common good, now it is a private arrangement for the satisfaction of the individuals. Marriage used to be about us, but now it is about me.” 

And here lies the problem. Tim Keller says,

“We are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfils our desires, and this creates an unrealistic set of expectations that frustrates both the searchers and the searched for.”

This understanding has changed the way we view our marriage and is transforming our good marriage into a great marriage! We are learning that marriage is about serving one another.

2. Marriage teaches us to love one another

You’d think loving your spouse would be easy! The challenge is, (and to some it becomes a shock a few weeks into the marriage), that we didn’t marry the perfect person, thus they aren’t as easy to love as you thought they would be.

Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas says,

“We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being the enormous thing that it is means that we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is…..learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.” 

We are constantly changing. This requires more than attraction, it requires commitment. This commitment to love another is what God is teaching us throughout our marriage.

Disagreements, arguments and conflict are unavoidable in any marriage and a stable, happy marriage is the result of how a couple resolves conflict and let love reign.

Stop fighting against each other

Don’t waste time fighting each other - instead fight WITH each other. Find common ground. Find a common cause and use your energy there instead.

Ruth Bell Graham said:

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

Too often we are spending more time practicing for divorce than practicing for a long and happy marriage. Look at this advice from James…..

James 1:19-20 NIV

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Throughout our married years Louise and I are learning to love each other with an ever growing unconditional love. This isn’t easy, let me tell you. We instinctively lean towards loving in return for something or a reward. As we again look at Ephesians 5 it’s clear to see that through marriage, God is teaching us to love others.

3. Marriage teaches us how much God loves us

Marriage is a powerful and deeply moving picture of the Gospel, revealing the lengths to which God has gone to reconcile humanity to Himself.

Timothy Keller puts it like this…

“The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us.”

Marriage is much more than just a good idea, it’s a God idea in which He teaches us just how much He really loves us.

Finally

Of course now we understand why marriage isn’t always easy - imagine how difficult we make loving us, for God! Whatever your experience or perception of marriage has been in the past, I hope that through taking time to looking at scripture and seeing what God is trying to teaching us through marriage that you can build a positive view of either the marriage you hope to have in the future or indeed the marriage you have today.